My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
