Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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