Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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