Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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