Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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