my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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