12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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