I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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