she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
