I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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