there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
