in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
