I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
