I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
