I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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