he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
