theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
