you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
