i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
