I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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