Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
