genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
