It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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