I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
