i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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