whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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