My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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