I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my being single is dangerous.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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