I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
