I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My nipple is on Facebook.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
