I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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