i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
