put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
