His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We got so high we made milksteak
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
