hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
