nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
