I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
