I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
