she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
PANTIES FOUND
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