worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
