3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
