It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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