I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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