Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
