so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dignity is for republicans.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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