half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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