I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She told me I should be a condom model.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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