Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
