no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
