god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
