is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
