I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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