My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
