yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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